The authors of Love, Money, and Parenting: How Economics Explains the Way We Raise Our Kids are fathers and economists, and they have patiently compiled information on how parents choose to be parents in the first place, and how they decide how much to intervene in the decisions their children make, based on the economic climate, the amount of income inequality, and whether the society rewards education or other goods. It turns out that parents are remarkably rational and for the most part, guide their children to success in the societies where they live–or where they expect their children to live. For Americans, the basic conclusion is that, in a society that is quite unequal and where education can pay off nicely, parents push, hard, but they stop short of dictating junior’s career path, because it will yield the best results.
I particularly liked the anecdotes provided by both (European-born) authors on the various surprises they encountered while raising their children in various countries, showing that cultural differences matter a great deal (and match economic differences very exactly).
It’s about time for me to read The Empty Nest: 31 Parents Tell the Truth About Relationships, Love, and Freedom After the Kids Fly the Coop, as ours has been empty for over four years… I must say that I did not always find I had much in common with the writers, mostly professional writers, mostly women, and mostly obsessed by their children (and with lots of only children, to boot!) — who seem to have great difficulty in letting go. Still, some musings seemed perfectly captured, as with the woman who talks about having problems shutting down “the part of my brain [that] is always calculating time — school time, work time, dinner time.” So true!
In Down City: A Daughter’s Story of Love, Memory, and Murder, the author explores the death of her mother, murdered by Mafia drug dealers and that of her father, a brilliant alcoholic who gave her much love but could not recover from a lost job. What could be a melodramatic quagmire is told soberly, through the eyes of a growing child who is neither an angel nor the mess one could imagine of someone growing in a dysfunctional family. It’s amazing how children can endure when there are a couple of truly helpful adults around them.
Perfect Little World tells the story of a crazy experiment, one that could only be financed by an eccentric millionaire: raising 10 children for 10 years in a tight community with their parents (who are forbidden from having any other children!) and a large cast of psychologists and other helpers. The story is told from the perspective of a teenaged single mother who is seeking an environment to raise her son that will be more nurturing that what she can expect as a high school graduate in a small town with no family to help out.
Of course, the experiment is bound to run into some issues, many of them apparently not foreseen by the researchers or the founder. I liked the witty observations of the complicated relationships between the adults (the children seem to do quite well, thank you very much). There is also a wonderful portrait of an older coworker of the mom’s who becomes a substitute father and grandfather. After all the adventures, the ending seems abrupt and overly sweet, but the story itself is a lot of fun.
The goal of The Gardener and the Carpenter: What the New Science of Child Development Tells Us About the Relationship Between Parents and Children is to tell us that anxious parenting, hovering, is simply the wrong way to raise children. The best part of the book is the middle third, in which the author details the ingenious experiments that have made her famous, here experiments about how young children learn about the world. It turns out that young children are better than older ones (and adults) at figuring out unlikely scenarios. They can also distinguish remarkably well between experts and charlatans. Sadly, to get to that middle third we need to navigate a long, hectoring tirade against those who want to build the perfect child (the carpenters), extolling instead the virtues of the gardeners, who simply provide a loving environment and step back. And then there is the last third, with a curious rant against the way we treat older people. Agreed but what does this have to do with child development?
I heartily recommend the author’s other books instead of this one, in particularThe Scientist In The Crib.
Becoming Nicole: The Transformation of an American Family is the true story of a family with identical twins, one of whom, from an early age, aspires to be a girl rather than a boy. The parents are baffled, but help their (now) daughter first live as a girl and eventually transition to a woman, and the community around them reacts in a helpful and supportive, if sometimes awkwardly. (Kids, interestingly, seem entirely unfazed.) But a rabid bigot, coupled with a school system that’s afraid of lawsuits, makes the family’s life an ordeal. So sad to see how one person can poison the well.
Great story, told in an overly dramatic voice, to my taste.